anticipation-free

i recall as a child having to wait for things. and plan. and think quickly. communication technology has come a long way toward relieving me of those burdens.

in the fall of the years of my youth, our home would eagerly await the catalog deliveries preceding Christmas season. my sister and i would earnestly and diligently peruse, upon their arrival, catalogs from Sears, Kohl's, Montgomery Ward and the like, searching for items that were within a reasonable price range and that we considered fun - or at least useful - to utilize for the next year.  we dog-eared pages, marked items, prioritized our wishes and presented the catalog back to our mother months in advance of that winter spectacle.  and then we waited. we waited, not knowing what of our myriad selections would arrive, carefully wrapped on that magical morning.

i also recall visiting stores with little or no knowledge of what i would find. searching not for the item i wanted, but discovering my desire right in it's physical presence. a book, a ninja turtle action figure, a colorfully boxed breakfast cereal. i never knew what was available, and trips to the store were journeys, adventures beginning with a car ride full of potential and discussion.

as i grew older my social circle became wider than the Oldsmobile Forenza that carried my mother, sister and me on our errands and commutes.  plans were made and phone calls were placed. from land lines. there was a magical moment that existed just after dialing, and before a "hello?" could be heard. in it, an infinite possibility and planning occurred. if my intended recipient answered, the dam of conversation could break instantly, or some other member of their household could answer and depending on my relationship with them i could make small talk or ask directly for my destination. or the dreaded answering machine would pick up and a clipped, one sided conversation could be recorded. but the instant existed where it was impossible to tell. schrödinger's phone conversation.

none of these occurrences exist in my world any longer. during gift seasons i email links to my family. usually just one or two; items i could easily buy for myself. the grocery is the only store i visit, and being a single person with limited culinary skill, i typically refresh stocks of my staple items with little variation. other items i buy online and arrive at my home without much thought or expectation. i text message friends. i call cell phones, generally controlled by a dedicated operator, no risk of unexpected conversations. i don't leave voice mails.

there is no buildup. i research large purchases and obtain the exact model i have decided on, without input from sales staff. i know what's out there, i saw a digital picture online.

i crave anticipation like some people crave ice cream or bacon or sex. i purposely bleed my finances so that i can eagerly await my next paycheck.  i make plans weeks in advance to give myself unbendable purpose. usually.

currently i have nowhere to be, no one to see, and no concrete plans but the few tasks on my "things to do" list which bear no real importance. i'm anticipating nothing. i'm adrift in a sea of instant gratification, all my needs and wants at my fingertips. i am content. it's not so bad.